Category Archives: Chatz on Sat(urday)

Chatz on Sat(urday) – ToB Stylz

Steven:  Wassuppp

Fay:  Hey ste

Fay: Shall we go through the rigmarole?

Fay: What are you reading this week?

Steven:  WELL mon frere for funsies i am finishing The Tragedy of Arthur by Arthur Phillips which is FANTASTIC and hopefully when it comes out in paperback we’ll stock the shit out of it

Fay:  I don’t know how I feel about your language

Steven: i feel very good about it, very positive

Steven:  Then not for funsies i am reading don ihde’s bodies in technology and nicolas rasmussen’s picture control for my THESIS in my HONOURS year

Steven: no biggie

Fay:  You’re doing HONOURS? Who knew? In what field?

Steven:  the well known and widely enrolled in and celebrated discipline of history and philosophy of science

Steven: let me tell you when i graduate the jobs will come ROLLING IN

Steven:  what about you bruda?

Fay:  I just finished The Keep by Jennifer Egan and it was excellent! I’m going to order some into the shop. It’s interesting and a bit different and compellingly told just like Goon Squad. She has a real gift for voices, that Egan lady

Steven: especially privileged white voices!

Steven: i kid!

Steven: (but a little)

Fay:  Some of these voices are not so privileged! I think they are all white though

Fay: She won ToB last year right?

Steven:  she sure did fay!

Steven: SEGUE

Steven: IT’S STARRRRRRTTEEED

Steven:  as mentioned yesterday, sense of an ending DEMOLISHED devil all the time

Steven:  and today lightning rods surprisingly CRUSHED Salvage the Bones

Fay:  I was so excited when I woke up yesterday!

Fay:  I got to read some judging on books, some commentary on books and then my favourite won

Fay:  And I don’t know how you get DEMOLISHED from a discussion pointing out the merits and flaws of both books

Steven:  your favourite aka the only one you read?

Fay:  Yup

Fay: But I really liked it

Steven:  well disciples, guess what?  I READ THEM BOTH

Steven: yes you can have it all

Fay: I wish you’d stop calling them disciples

Steven: NEVER

Fay:  So even though I agree with the outcome I disagree with the ToB discussion around the ending of Sense of an Ending. I thought it was perfect for a book that is an understated meditation on memory. NO SPOILERS but I found it NEITHER anti-climactic nor a comment on the nature of twists

Steven:  well for that NO SPOILERS alone you are one better than a certain 2012 Age Short Story competition winner/horrible monster, BRAM PRESSER

Steven: SEGUE

Steven: into the epic tale of betrayal

Fay:  Tell us more!

Steven:  once upon a time, there was a sweet, naive, relatively newly employed bookshop person who was simultaneously handsome and clever

Steven: this certain person, no names or anything, happened to be planning on reading Julian Barnes’s most recent book The Sense of an Ending

Steven: when in walked into the shop, the devil in human form, BRAM ‘UGH’ PRESSER

Steven:  he acted all friendly like sure, we were introduced, and he started up a conversation with our 2nd most presently-in-the-country manager, margaret, about, like, books and stuff

Steven:  he went on for a while in such a manner, lulling me into a false sense of security when B(R)AM! he struck

Steven: and he goes something like ‘yeah and really what happened was SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER MUAHAHAHAHA’

Steven: and then i had an unfortunate sense of the ending

Steven: and now we are enemies, he and i

Steven: NEVER FORGET

Fay:  It’s a story for our times

Fay: It’s like Brutus and Peter Pettigrew mixed together

Steven:  it’s like when SPOILER betrayed SPOILER

Fay:  It’s exactly like that

Steven:  the joke being BRAM ‘RESPONSIBLE FOR 9/11?’ PRESSER would have put names there that would RUIN things for people

Steven: also i read the devil all the time!

Fay:  Does that one come with a terrifying yet mesmerising backstory?

Steven:  fortunately for me, no, though those words would pretty accurately describe the book

Steven:  it should have been called DEATH all the time!

Steven:  (though The Devil all the Time gets Steven’s coveted Best-name-of-the-ToB award.  The Sisters Brothers (The BEST Brothers!) gets the worst)

Steven: it’s set in rural backwater Ohio and West Virginia and it is about poor people doing terrible things/having terrible things done to them

Fay:  Wow that sounds like fun reading times

Steven:  it opens with the story of returned WWII soldier Willard Russell giving blood sacrifices in the vain hope of saving his dying wife, then follows several connected characters including a serial killer and his wife, her brother the corrupt sheriff, travelling preachers turned murderers theodore and russell, and most importantly, Willard’s son Arvin, fundamentally a good man but led to violence

Steven: it is a gruesome southern gothic

Steven: and it is well written

Steven: but overall there’s just not enough there

Steven: (though all the characters’ stories do come together in a clever way at the end)

Steven: it’s not a book that sticks with you, and it’s not deep enough

Steven: a pretty good book but not a great book

Fay:  Whereas Sense of an Ending is definitely a great book (to get my foot back in the door of the conversation)

Steven:  sure is!

Fay:  It’s understated and deceptively simple

Steven:  mr. booker distributed his book prize wisely this year

Fay:  and so so beautifully and carefully written

Fay: and real, like with wisdom that can be applied to real life

Fay: as opposed to southern murderers

Fay: also wonderfully quoteable

Fay: (I really liked it)

Steven:  well real life wisdom is hardly the benchmark of a good book

Steven: but yes it was very good

Fay:  no but it makes it stay with you when the other factors are there too

Steven:  and i like the idea of a melancholy reevaluation of the past

Fay: definitely

Fay: good choice, Emma Straub!

Fay: as for today’s match, neither of us have read either book

Steven:  as mentioned earlier on the blog, it’s pretty difficult to get Lightning Rods in australia

Steven: and Salvage the Bones has animal death, which basically means it’s out of bounds for fay and me with our sensitive souls

Steven:  it’s disquallification saves us from having to read it though!

Fay:  I was definitely not reading about dog fighting

Steven:  THOUGH it is meant to be very good!

Fay:  And we have it in!

Fay: So if you’re into animal cruelty, come visit!

Fay: and we’ll report you to PETA

Steven:  (again though, good book)

Steven:  anyway tomorrow we have the VERY BIG 1Q84 up against the very little The Last Brother

Steven: which fay will have some things to say about

Fay:  A conversation I will DOMINATE

Fay: having actually read both books for like the only time in the first round match ups

Steven:  i personally am waiting for the battle between state of wonder and sisters brothers. were it judged by anyoneelse i say the former would be an easy win but i’m hoping wil wheaton’s (better known as this guy) nerditude could let my fave through

Fay: So we’ll see you soon for more ToB fun!

Steven:  ‪so stay safe guys, against my best efforts BRAM ‘POSSIBLE SEX OFFENDER’ PRESSER is still on the streets

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Chatz on Sat(urday)

Steven:  heyo sistah

Fay:  Hey bra

Steven:  what’s the haps baps?

Fay: Bappitybaps

Steven: USE YOUR WORDS

Fay:  how’s your week been? BOOK STYLZ

Steven: well right now i’m reading state of wonder by ann patchett. it’s alright!

Steven: that is all

Steven: xoxo steven

Fay:  I quite enjoyed it myself

Fay: It’s not quite as good as Bel Canto but it’s certainly trying

Steven:  except that dr swenson (as of only around 150 pages in) – the WORST

Steven: ugh

Steven: be worse OH WAIT YOU CAN’T

Steven: NO SPOILERS

Fay:  No spoilers ever! Sunflower guarantee

Steven:  BRAM PRESSER can’t say the same…

Steven: BRAM PRESSER, winner of the age short story competition, loyal customer and JERK EXTRAORDINAIRE

Fay:  Right. That sounds like it has some backstory

Fay: but now is not the time!

Steven:  yes the story of how bram presser is a SPOILERY nemesis can wait for the tournament of books

Steven: COMING SOON GUYS

Steven: yanyway, whatCHU reading now?

Fay:  I am rereading The Waves by my pal Vwoolf which is one of the most beautiful books ever written probably

Fay: And Suzy Zail’s new young adult book The Wrong Boy which is amazing so far (and we’re doing an event with her, keep watching for details)

Fay: Aaaannnnddd I think that’s actually it for once

Steven: THANK GOD

Steven: in the time it took you to write back I DIED OF OLD AGE AND CYCLES PASSED TILL I WAS RESURRECTED IN THE SAME FORM

Steven: so, you know, pretty long

Fay: Well I just kind of sat here for a minute or two, DRAMA QUEEN

Steven:  so fay, what’re we talkin about this week?

Fay:  Well I thought we could formulate some questions that we can pose to unsuspecting authors!

Fay: The only good one I’ve come up with is ‘What book do you wish you’d written?’

Steven:  the bible

Steven:  the new bit AND the old bit

Steven: next question?

Fay:  No i mean to actual authors not internet sensations

Steven: oh

Steven: i thought this was my shot

Steven: at fame

Fay:  It is, we had like 3 views yesterday!

Steven:  yess

Steven: A STAR IS BLOG

Fay:  So what else do you think we should ask?

Steven: Well what did you ask FAMOUS AUTHOR elliot perlman when you interviewed him?

Steven: COMING SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU

Steven: specifically this one?

Fay: author specific stuff

Fay: oh wait no not all!

Fay:  ‘When did you know you wanted to be a writer?’

Fay: Don’t answer that, it’s not for you note the quotation marks

Steven: oh yeah that’s orright!

Steven: how about ‘what’s your perfect sunday’?

Steven: TOO good?

Fay: What are you, SundayLife?

Fay: How about ‘If you were a colour, which would you be?’

Steven:  ALL COLOURS

Fay:  That’s white

Fay: RACIST

Steven:  IS IT?

Fay:  And again, not for you

Steven:  how about, for realsies, ‘what advice can you give to aspiring young writers’

Steven:  obvs cliched but i guess there’s a reason?

Steven: or aspiring old writers too!

Fay:  nah I think that’s good

Fay:  I do think we need something flippant thought

Steven:  because our questions aren’t shallow enough already COME ON

Fay: how about, if you were a book cover, describe it for us

Steven: very handsome

Steven: OK let’s get to some serious q’s!

Steven:  (that’s short for questions, you guys)

Fay:  Book that changed your life and how

Fay:  How’s that for deep

Steven:  noiiice

Fay:  What’s harder to write: sex or violence?

Steven:  Franzen or Kanye?

Steven: WAIT WAIT

Steven: in a fist fight

Fay:  Voice of a generation FIGHT TO THE DEATH

Fay:  What music do you listen to while writing?

Fay: Or, do you ever write naked?

Steven:  gross do NOT want to imagine that

Steven: authors are HOMELY

Fay:  Ouch. We had a whole discussion about attractive writers in the Chatz on Sat(urday) you missed

Fay: OBVIOUSLY you did not read it L

Steven:  well OBVIOUSLY i would have rebutted that with alexandre dumas

Fay: ‘What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done in an interview?’

Steven: naah

Fay: self referential, yo

Fay: META

Steven: but that’s part of what’s BAD about it

Steven: also i imagine most will say, ‘nothing?’

Steven: with that inflection

Fay: ok we could finish the interview with ‘what’s the best interview question you’ve been asked’ and then pose that one to the next author

Fay: in a neverending cycle

Fay: for reals though this is a real idea

Steven: oh yeah i kinda like that

Steven: though, let’s face it, our interview is still lookin pretty lean

Steven: AND NOT like a fighting machine LET ME TELL YOU

Fay: Ok how about ‘what’s your favourite place to write?’

Steven: yeah that’ll do

Steven: favourite work you’ve written and least favourite and why and why?

Fay:  too much to have both?

Steven:  no that’s totes a good question!

Fay: We want it to be short and snappy so people won’t hate doing it

Fay: and won’t hate us forever

Steven:  yeah but we also want to have SOMETHING from it

Steven: this is HARD HITTING NEWSBOLTS fay

Steven: and i won’t compromise on my values if i’m not getting paid

Fay: Is it though? I thought it was more like author puff pieces‬

Steven:  half and half

Fay:  ‪ok so let’s review:‬

Fay: We have:

  • What book do you wish you’d written?
  • When did you know you wanted to be a writer?
  • What book changed your life and how?
  • What advice would you give to aspiring writers?
  • Franzen or Kanye?
  • WAIT WAIT
  • In a fist fight?
  • Where do you write?
  • What is your favourite and least favourite of your works and why?
  • What’s the best interview question you’ve ever been asked?

Steven: that’ll do pig

Fay: what are you implying?

Steven: that you have porcine features?‬

Steven: and with that, i feel, we’ve nailed it

Steven: good night australia

Steven: i’m steven helfenbaum

Fay: wait

Fay: wait!

Steven: 😉

Steven: FIN

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Chatz on Sat(urday)

Hey buddies!  Did you miss me?  I missed you!  In a physical way.  Hey, here’s some chatz!

Fay:  Chaaaaaaattttzzzzz

Steven:  Fay, my old comrade

Steven: guess who’s back?

Steven: back for chatzz?

Fay:  Is it Jess? She was fun

Steven:  do not be afraid

Fay:  I am a little….

Steven:  i’m pretty intimidating

Steven: physically and mentally

Fay:  I sure missed this

Fay: So whatcha reading this lovely sat(urday)?

Steven:  well mon frere, I am currently just about to finish The Sisters Brothers Steven: which is THE BEST

Fay:  The best ever?

Steven:  NO

Steven:  but still great regardless

Fay:  the best of ToB?

Steven: I want to say yes?

Steven:  I realise that it’s easy to say that when you’re reading something

Fay:  Better than The Art of Fielding???

Fay:  Better than The Sense of an Ending???

Fay: THERE ARE MANY EXCELLENT BOOKS

Steven:  yes to the second, i guess no to the former but i think i like it more

Steven: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS ISN’T

Steven: HUH HUH

Fay: No I just meant I’m overwhelmed by choice

Steven: me too but i really love this book

Steven: i’m going to tattoo it on my head

Steven: ALL OF IT

Fay:  Good call

Steven: thanks, solving last months tattoo dilemma

Fay: Your enormously swollen head will be the perfect size

Steven: that’s what she said

Steven: BOOSH

Fay:  BLLLLLEEEEEAGH

Steven:  haHA

Steven: so fay, whatCHU readin?

Fay:  I have FINISHED 1Q84 which was, may I say, delightful!

Fay: (review pending)

Fay: and now I am reading The Hours by Virginia Woolf who is my hero

Steven:  i’m pretty sure her name’s nicole kidman

Fay: and in shop news I have just finished Why We Broke Up by Lemony Snicket aka Daniel Handler with gorgeous illustrations by Maira Kalman

Fay:  I highly recommend all of them!

Fay: And I am ALSO enjoying the first 20 pages of the Tiger’s Wife

Steven:  showoff

Fay:  And THAT, my friend, is just what I’m reading today

Steven:  whatevvvs

Steven: what’s in the news mate?

Steven:  the book news

Fay:  Amanda Knox is in the news with her huge but awkward payout for her tell all

Steven: ah yes, amanda knox

Steven: good kid, not a murderer

Steven: OR IS SHE?

Steven: (nope)

Fay: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2102638/Ecstatic-Amanda-Knox-celebrates-lucrative-book-deal-new-man-James-Terrano.html?ITO=google_news_rss_feed

Steven: ugh daily mail

Steven: use a different paper

Fay:   but this article takes the prize for longest title and creepiest stalker photos

Steven:  seems pretty fair

Steven:  years in jail deserves some cashola

Fay:  but who really cares?

Steven:  about what?

Fay:  her? I mean haven’t we seen it play out all over the news already?

Steven:  have YOU been wrongly jailed for murder and then released amid mass publicity WHILE LOOKING PRETTY?

Steven: if nothing else fay, CERTAINLY not that last part

Fay:  MEAN

Steven:  HARD HITTING FACTSNEWS

Steven: that’s what i do

Fay:  Newsbolt: Steven is jerk!

Steven:  Newsbolt I INVENTED NEWSBOLT

Steven: moving on

Steven:  putting aside the question of whether aknox (as i like to call her) IS a celebrity, how do you feel about celebrity authors in general

Steven: as in celebrity first, then later author

Fay: How do you THINK i feel?

Fay: not great.

Fay:  I mean I really hate those celebrity tie-in books like Kardashian Konfidential or that Justin Beiber biog (excellent quote: “if you’re after the world’s most narcissistic yearbook, this is your new bicycle”)

Fay:I mean they’re just using the book as a medium to sucker small children into parting with their hard earned cash

Steven:  you know what i loved? how in the trailer for the j bieb movie mr voice over man says, and i quote, “they said he would never make it…”

Steven: WHO SAID THAT EVER

Fay:  Not Usher, certainly

Steven:  anyway, i somewhat disagree with you

Fay:  SURPRISE

Steven:  if a celebritay wants to write somethin WHY NOT! it’s not like the book is some all hallowed thing that you need to hold up and only allow certain people to do. it’s not like there’s an exam you have to pass to become a writer and nor SHOULD there be. celebrity writers are not DEVALUING anything, they’re just adding another, questionable maybe but still, book to the enormous world of books

Steven: yo

Fay:  I think they ARE devaluing something!

Steven:  what?

Steven:  CERTAINLY NOT CAPITALISM MON FRERE

Fay:  They are devaluing the work of people who spend time and effort and skill in the production of a book

Steven: how though?

Steven:  they’re not held up to the same level so why does that matter

Fay:  The Kardashians are all like ‘lalala we should write a book’ and then they pop out some lame quotes, get it ghost written and TADA a kid buys that instead of some quality literature

Steven:  mr booker is not going to choose kardashian konfidential for his book prize

Fay:  But it is a COMPETITION

Steven:  but it’s NOT one or the other

Fay:  Capitalism I mean

Fay: People go into a store intending to buy a single book, and they waste it on, not even a bad one, one that barely qualifies

Steven:  look, people are not going to choose between a kardashian book and dostoevsky

Steven:  anyway, diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks is what i’m getting at

Steven: (i don’t know what that means)

Fay:  Yeah but they might have bought something better, with a real narrative arc or character building and imagination and some not celebrity person getting money that they probably could put to better use

Steven:  alright we’re going to have to agree to disagree, but i think that those books and, say, the sisters brothers (only $19.99!) have completely different purposes, and that’s fine

Steven:  and THAT my friends is a wrap

Steven: a chat wrap

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Guest Chatz on Sat(urday)

Fay: Hello Jess!

Jess: helloo Fay!

Jess: what’s new up your end of the world?

Fay: Do you mean this end of the desk? Not much, it smells like pesto because I just had lunch.

Fay: Would you like to introduce yourself to our dear readers?

Jess: I would love to Fay. My name is Jess, and I am currently a student at the King David School. And apart from loving books, that is the extent of my life at the moment. Boring, I know!

Fay: Nice.

Fay: Everyone, that took her like ten minutes

Fay: So Jess and I were both at the Elliot Perlman event the other night and we got talking about author talks.

Fay: Actually no wait, we’ll start how we always start.

Fay: What are you reading at the moment?

Jess: How appropriate that you mention Elliot Perlman Fay, because I am currently reading his newest novel, The Street Sweeper. How long did that take me Fay?

Fay: And how are you enjoying it, young Jess?

Jess: Well, so far so good. I like how he has interwoven the Holocaust with the Civil Rights movement in America, two subjects that do interest me. So I’m definitely looking forward to going home and reading some more!

Fay: I am not going to talk about 1Q84

Fay: but I am almost finished! and then I am looking forward to reading something short

Fay: like a pamphlet

Fay: or an email.

Fay: SO back to Elliot event, good night right?

Jess: sure was, he was a great speaker. Bu the highlight for me was definitely the tea and cakes at the end. I’m not going to lie, I was eyeing that table for quite some time…

Fay: Mmm kosher cookies!

Fay: Yeah Elliot’s a pretty great speaker, comes from being a barrister maybe?

Fay: And he sure is easy on the old eyes

Fay: Not like he’s attractive to old people

Fay: Like

Fay: He’s handsome, and I’m bad at expressing myself

Jess: wow fay, thanks for clearing that up for us, because to be entirely honest I wasn’t really sure where you were going with that….

Fay: He probably is also attractive to old people?

Jess: maybe we should move on?

Fay: Good idea!
Fay: So what other exciting authors have you been to see?

Jess: Most recently I have been to see Jonathan Safran Foer, courtesy of the Wheeler Centre. He was AMAZING! A nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn…

Jess: I bet his yiddishe grandma is so proud of him!

Fay: Nah, he should probably quit that writing nonsense and be a doctor or lawyer

Jess: Well for my sake I’d hope not! He spoke very eloquently. And he sure is easy on the old eyes! (See what I did there Fay?).

Fay: Shut up!

Fay: is he actually though?

Jess: In a nice Jewish boy kind of way, I suppose. But back to his books!

Fay: (I googled him, he’s totally easy on the eyes, old and young!)

Jess: it’s lucky that Foer’s great writing translates into great speaking. he talked about his newest book about vegetarians. and that’s about the extent to which I can tell you about that part of the event.

Jess: but more interestingly however, he gave us a great background to his previous novels Everything is Illuminated and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I highly recommend them! He writes beautifully and his characters are often quirky and clever.

Jess: What about you?

Fay: I’ve actually been let down by authors before.

Fay: One of my favourite children’s authors is Odo Hirsch and I got to hear him speak once. He was really nice, but he was very introspective and quiet

Fay: Which is actually what I love about his stories, but it doesn’t make for great speaking

Fay: luckily it wa a tiny event so we could all sit really close

Jess: I also saw Amos Oz last year! He was awesome. I’m sure he is also easy on the old eyes (cos he’s old)!

Fay: Touche!

Fay: I have also seen….. pretty much no one

Fay: I guess we should go see more people!

Fay: Oh actually I’ve heard Archimede Fusillo speak twice. He’s a young adult author and he’s really fun and lively and chatty

Jess: Archimedes ey? like the dude he sat in the bath and the water went everywhere?

Fay: The very same guy! He was not only a mathematician and physicist but he also wrote a series of popular teen fiction novels!

Fay: And on that note, I think we’ve run out things to say

Fay: Thanks for reading, readers! Catch you next Sat(urday)

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Chatz on Sat(urday)

From the bottom of my heart I apologise for this week’s Chatz on Sat(urday).

Fay: Hey Steven, feel like some chatz?
Steven: Will you take no as an answer?
Fay: Yes, but you will be letting the team down.
Steven: and i do need this job
Steven: alright let’s BRING THE CHATZZZ
Steven: ZZ
Steven: Z
Steven: ZZZZZ
Fay: YES
Fay: I got it
Fay: So what book things have you been up to this week?
Steven: well i’ve been selling some. and i’ve been reading one, swamplandia! by karen russell. it’s partially about alligator wrasslin so if nothing else it has great promise
Fay: Alligator wrasslin! That sounds like a wholesome and safe pursuit. How are you finding it so far?
Steven: well she writes good like. and yeah it totes has lots o promise but right now i’m finding it’s taking a while to GET somewhere
Steven: (i can say less than perfect things about it because we don’t stock it)
Steven: what’s book related up with you?
Steven: bear in mind i’m PROBABLY not that interested
Steven: NO OFFENCE MATE
Steven: but my shift finishes in 10
Fay: Well I am reading lots of things at the same time.
Fay: I’m reading ‘The Mayor of Casterbridge’ (check spelling), my first Thomas Hardy novel which I’m really enjoying.
Fay: I’m simultaneously reading ‘Hope: a Tragedy’ Shalom Auslander, but I haven’t read that much yet. So I can’t say much about the subject matter but he writes effortlessly. That is the word that comes to mind.
Fay: AND I am reading 1Q84 which is EXCELLENT but demoralisingly long
Steven: my new italian restaurant will be called the mayor of pastabridge
Steven: PATENT PENDING
Fay: So I saw this article which was fun:
Fay: http://blogs.publishersweekly.com/blogs/PWxyz/2012/01/24/the-5-books-that-inspire-the-most-tattoos/
Fay: I mean the first picture is quite scary but still
Fay: I was surprised by the 60% kids book ratio
Steven: yeah people are way too hooked up on their childhood
Fay: Although I suppose if I was going to get a tattoo (which I’m not, don’t worry parents!) mine would be a kids book
Fay: But then that’s kind of my thing anyway
Steven: also ‘we’re all mad here’ as a tattoo come on guys, you’re better than that
Steven: in fact you’re better than everything on that list
Steven: (no offence Marieke hardy with your slaughterhouse 5 tat love ya babes)
Fay: What’s Marieke Hardy’s?
Steven: I think it’s that so it goes one
Fay: Well actually we are as a nation improving, apparently. Zan from next door told me that for the first time in years the number of southern cross tattoos is going down exponentially
Fay: If I was to get a book tattoo it would be a tiny, super prettily coloured Carbothello the Dragon (the best book on Dragon ennui ever written)
Fay: But yeah it would suck if everyone else started getting your carefully thought out tattoo
Steven: Yeah I bet the people with fight club tattoos were SO PISSED when the movie came out
Steven: I don’t know what i’d get, but i know what CHAD LIGHTNINGSTORMATTACK would get
Steven: an eagle
Steven: but then it’s penis is a gun
Steven: THINK ABOUT IT
Fay: I really don’t want to
Steven: THINK ABOUT ITTTT
Steven: but back to books (which we sell you guys!)
Steven: it’s tricky because obvs the best thing about books are the wordz (lines like that are how i got me this job) but then wordz tattoos are boring
Fay: If I had to pick an adult book it would be hard because my favourite authors are wordy
Fay: Ok. So I think we’ve exhausted the topic.
Fay: Feel free to reply with your literary inspired tattoo ideas
Steven: look i’m not impressed by this CHATZ
Steven: I would rate it 3/10
Steven: last week’s was a solid 7
Fay: I rate your face 3/10
Fay: In fact, whichever tattoo idea is the best Steven will tattoo ON HIS FACE
Steven: yours is a 0/10
Steven: like if you didn’t have features I wouldn’t even guess it WAS a face
Fay: SIGH. And here’re the cheap shots that you know and love. Although to be fair I started it…
Steven: so SOZ guys
Steven: but yah TATTOO MAH FACE
Fay: Ok we’ll try to get to 5/10 next week and average it out
Steven: OK BYE BLOGFRIENDS
Steven: xoxoxoxo
Steven: until next week
Steven: i’m Steven Helfenbaum
Fay: Feel free to suggest better topics for next Sat!

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Chatz on Sat(urday)

Shalom! Welcome to the blog’s newest feature… CHATZ ON SAT(URDAY)! Every week at the shop, Fay and I will chat about books and record our conversations for posterity.

Steven: hey buddy

Steven: what’s up

Steven: this SAT

Steven: (urday)

Fay: Not a lot, mon frere

Fay: yourself?

Steven: enough of the boring let’s get to the BOOKZ!

Steven: whatcha been reading?

Fay:  you’re boring

Steven: hurtful

Steven: though sometimes I fear it’s true

Fay: it hurts because you secretly suspected it all along

Steven: I wonder if people feel that way

Steven: so, um, THANKS.

Fay: I just finished ‘The Last Brother’ by Natacha Appanah which is one of the ToB books. It was pretttttyyy good

Steven: tell me about it!

Steven: Briefly

Fay: WELL

Steven: BRIEFLY

Fay: (it’s funny if you’ve ever heard me talk)

Fay: So it’s about young Raj who in 1944 lives a pretty solitary existence as a 9 year old from the middle of nowhere, Mauritius. But his father is a prison warden at a prison where Jews who have been deported from Palestine have been sent.

Steven:  all these customers. Interrupting our chat.

Steven: all these LOVELY customers. Who are the best

Steven: and buy our books.

Steven: Please?

Fay: Anyway so Raj becomes friends with young David, a ten year old orphaned boy from Czechoslovakia and it’s about their friendship and Raj’s life on the island and stufffff.  And it’s poignant and poetic and translated from the French, yo. It’s also nice because it’s only 200 pages which I appreciate considering I have 8 books to read in 5 weeks. So how are you going with your tome?

Steven: Must be so hard for you

Fay: First world problems, man.

Steven: People are SUFFERING and stuff. Not like, me personally.

Fay: Yeah I thought I covered that with first world problems.

Steven: Except in the emotionz

Fay: SIGH. You are such a drama queen today

Steven: You’re such a MONSTER. ALWAYS. ANYWAY.

Fay: So how are you going with your tome speaking of page numberzs

Steven: my book’s really good!

Fay: (I know)

Steven: You read it last week!

Fay: (yeah)

Steven: (see blog for more!)

Steven: i like the way the words are good and stuff?

Fay: That pretty much covers it

Steven: look I need more practice at this reviewing, I won’t deny it

Fay: for a better account of THE ART OF FIELDING read my post from last week.

Steven: it’s cleverly written and a very sweet book (though not like, gross) and the characters are fantastic and it’s great. Unlike that MARRIAGE PLOT BOOK. With which it has similarities. Which we shall discuss in the Tournament!

Fay: Oh my god I can’t believe we’re doing this again

Steven: Just prepping the world for an EPIC DEBATE

Fay: OK yes, let’s put the public sniping away until then

Steven: but that’s where this blog largely derives its humour! And my sweet proze

Fay: Only because we are petty and lazy

Steven: it’s definitely easier to write. BACK TO BOOKS

Fay: Ok, this morning I read an article in the Age about a lady who has written a thriller that is apparently exciting and well publicised and all. BUT apparently her NAME was not thrilling enough

Steven: Oh was that Ali Knight?

Fay: yeah

Steven: I AM SO AHEAD OF THE BALL.

Steven: Wait is that a saying? That people say?

Steven: With their mouths?

Fay: We should play more ball sports.

Steven: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION?

Fay: It sounds like a thing let’s run with it. Also FOCUS

Steven: NEVER

Fay:  ANYWAY if you were to write an exciting thriller, what would your thriller pen name be?

Steven: Well Fay, I’m glad you asked

Fay: And the surname shouldn’t start with A or WXYZ apparently

Steven: My favourite pseudonym is Johannes Thundersack. But that’s not so thrillery

Fay: Boy do I know

Steven: So I guess it would be CHAD LIGHTNINGSTORMATTACK. What about yours?

Fay: THAT IS PURE DISTILLED AWESOME. I actually have never thought about it

Steven: and my book would be called EDGE OF DEATH

Steven: by CHAD LIGHTNINGSTORMATTACK

Fay: And it should have a boat on the front, adrift from its mooring

Fay: That’s a thing now

Steven: With rolling waves and the title embossed in shiny writing.

Fay: You know like every attempted Swedish thriller ever?

Steven: DOES CHAD LIGHTNINGSTORMATTACK SOUND SWEDISH TO YOU? No, my book will have spies and assassins and international conspiracies and sexxx. And by my I mean CHAD LIGHTNINGSTORMATTACK

Fay: So like James Bond?

Steven: But crappier

Fay: SO yeah I don’t know about mine. I’m happy to hear constructive ideas in the comments. I think my first name needs to have harsh consonant sounds like…. Kristy.

Fay: But it should be angrodynous so men will actually buy my book

Steven: Kristy Daggerstrike

Fay: Less girly

Steven: What ARE the manliest sounding initials?

Fay: I should be Kris something

Steven: J.R.R.Penis

Fay: (ignoring, also lolz) The wrong spelling suggests I could be some sort of European

Steven: Look, I think we’re just going to have to leave it up to the public. SO suggest some names, look out for our poll and whichever wins FAY WILL LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO FOREVER

Steven: And so ends this chatz on sat(urday)

Fay: WHAT

Fay: NO. I never said that!

Steven: I’m CHAD LIGHTNINGSTORMATTACK. Bidding you good night, and good luck

Fay: NO. You’re actually not finishing like that

Steven: TOO LATE mon frere. Thanks everybody, and remember to BUY SOME BOOKS

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