Chatz on Sat(urday)

Steven:  heyo sistah

Fay:  Hey bra

Steven:  what’s the haps baps?

Fay: Bappitybaps

Steven: USE YOUR WORDS

Fay:  how’s your week been? BOOK STYLZ

Steven: well right now i’m reading state of wonder by ann patchett. it’s alright!

Steven: that is all

Steven: xoxo steven

Fay:  I quite enjoyed it myself

Fay: It’s not quite as good as Bel Canto but it’s certainly trying

Steven:  except that dr swenson (as of only around 150 pages in) – the WORST

Steven: ugh

Steven: be worse OH WAIT YOU CAN’T

Steven: NO SPOILERS

Fay:  No spoilers ever! Sunflower guarantee

Steven:  BRAM PRESSER can’t say the same…

Steven: BRAM PRESSER, winner of the age short story competition, loyal customer and JERK EXTRAORDINAIRE

Fay:  Right. That sounds like it has some backstory

Fay: but now is not the time!

Steven:  yes the story of how bram presser is a SPOILERY nemesis can wait for the tournament of books

Steven: COMING SOON GUYS

Steven: yanyway, whatCHU reading now?

Fay:  I am rereading The Waves by my pal Vwoolf which is one of the most beautiful books ever written probably

Fay: And Suzy Zail’s new young adult book The Wrong Boy which is amazing so far (and we’re doing an event with her, keep watching for details)

Fay: Aaaannnnddd I think that’s actually it for once

Steven: THANK GOD

Steven: in the time it took you to write back I DIED OF OLD AGE AND CYCLES PASSED TILL I WAS RESURRECTED IN THE SAME FORM

Steven: so, you know, pretty long

Fay: Well I just kind of sat here for a minute or two, DRAMA QUEEN

Steven:  so fay, what’re we talkin about this week?

Fay:  Well I thought we could formulate some questions that we can pose to unsuspecting authors!

Fay: The only good one I’ve come up with is ‘What book do you wish you’d written?’

Steven:  the bible

Steven:  the new bit AND the old bit

Steven: next question?

Fay:  No i mean to actual authors not internet sensations

Steven: oh

Steven: i thought this was my shot

Steven: at fame

Fay:  It is, we had like 3 views yesterday!

Steven:  yess

Steven: A STAR IS BLOG

Fay:  So what else do you think we should ask?

Steven: Well what did you ask FAMOUS AUTHOR elliot perlman when you interviewed him?

Steven: COMING SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU

Steven: specifically this one?

Fay: author specific stuff

Fay: oh wait no not all!

Fay:  ‘When did you know you wanted to be a writer?’

Fay: Don’t answer that, it’s not for you note the quotation marks

Steven: oh yeah that’s orright!

Steven: how about ‘what’s your perfect sunday’?

Steven: TOO good?

Fay: What are you, SundayLife?

Fay: How about ‘If you were a colour, which would you be?’

Steven:  ALL COLOURS

Fay:  That’s white

Fay: RACIST

Steven:  IS IT?

Fay:  And again, not for you

Steven:  how about, for realsies, ‘what advice can you give to aspiring young writers’

Steven:  obvs cliched but i guess there’s a reason?

Steven: or aspiring old writers too!

Fay:  nah I think that’s good

Fay:  I do think we need something flippant thought

Steven:  because our questions aren’t shallow enough already COME ON

Fay: how about, if you were a book cover, describe it for us

Steven: very handsome

Steven: OK let’s get to some serious q’s!

Steven:  (that’s short for questions, you guys)

Fay:  Book that changed your life and how

Fay:  How’s that for deep

Steven:  noiiice

Fay:  What’s harder to write: sex or violence?

Steven:  Franzen or Kanye?

Steven: WAIT WAIT

Steven: in a fist fight

Fay:  Voice of a generation FIGHT TO THE DEATH

Fay:  What music do you listen to while writing?

Fay: Or, do you ever write naked?

Steven:  gross do NOT want to imagine that

Steven: authors are HOMELY

Fay:  Ouch. We had a whole discussion about attractive writers in the Chatz on Sat(urday) you missed

Fay: OBVIOUSLY you did not read it L

Steven:  well OBVIOUSLY i would have rebutted that with alexandre dumas

Fay: ‘What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done in an interview?’

Steven: naah

Fay: self referential, yo

Fay: META

Steven: but that’s part of what’s BAD about it

Steven: also i imagine most will say, ‘nothing?’

Steven: with that inflection

Fay: ok we could finish the interview with ‘what’s the best interview question you’ve been asked’ and then pose that one to the next author

Fay: in a neverending cycle

Fay: for reals though this is a real idea

Steven: oh yeah i kinda like that

Steven: though, let’s face it, our interview is still lookin pretty lean

Steven: AND NOT like a fighting machine LET ME TELL YOU

Fay: Ok how about ‘what’s your favourite place to write?’

Steven: yeah that’ll do

Steven: favourite work you’ve written and least favourite and why and why?

Fay:  too much to have both?

Steven:  no that’s totes a good question!

Fay: We want it to be short and snappy so people won’t hate doing it

Fay: and won’t hate us forever

Steven:  yeah but we also want to have SOMETHING from it

Steven: this is HARD HITTING NEWSBOLTS fay

Steven: and i won’t compromise on my values if i’m not getting paid

Fay: Is it though? I thought it was more like author puff pieces‬

Steven:  half and half

Fay:  ‪ok so let’s review:‬

Fay: We have:

  • What book do you wish you’d written?
  • When did you know you wanted to be a writer?
  • What book changed your life and how?
  • What advice would you give to aspiring writers?
  • Franzen or Kanye?
  • WAIT WAIT
  • In a fist fight?
  • Where do you write?
  • What is your favourite and least favourite of your works and why?
  • What’s the best interview question you’ve ever been asked?

Steven: that’ll do pig

Fay: what are you implying?

Steven: that you have porcine features?‬

Steven: and with that, i feel, we’ve nailed it

Steven: good night australia

Steven: i’m steven helfenbaum

Fay: wait

Fay: wait!

Steven: 😉

Steven: FIN

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2 thoughts on “Chatz on Sat(urday)

  1. Bram Presser says:

    Verbal Kint was Keyser Soze. Vader was Luke’s father. The girl in The Crying Game was really a guy. Bruce Willis is actually dead. Rosebud was the name of his sled. Snape kills Dumbledore. Tyler Durden is a figment of the imagination. Hmmm… Have I left anything out? Oh yeah, in State of Wonder………

    PS Jerk extraordinaore? Meh, I’ve been called worse things.

  2. […] And now of course, I should ask you the questions my coworker and I developed in a bygone chat.  What book do you wish you’d […]

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